lets-get-fictional:

Thank you for your question, love!  Sorry for the holiday break, but hopefully this advice still applies to your WIP 🙂

A bit of a foreword on this: my authority on the topic, so to speak, comes both from reading and from experience.  There have been upwards of 10 divorces among my living family members, and while I won’t discuss the specifics of any of them, I can give you some general tips on what makes divorce easier, harder, and different from its stereotypical portrayal.

How to Write Divorced Couples (with Kids)

Writing about divorced couples can be a tricky balancing act; you don’t want to be too superficial or too melodramatic.  You want to keep that tension, that possibility for further conflict, without tying the characters down romantically and developmentally.  With kids involved, there’s the added struggle to accurately depict children of divorce and single parenthood.  I can’t very well cover the whole topic, but I’ll outline some advice from what I know.

First off, you’ll have to backtrack into the actual divorce a bit.  Even if your story takes place months or years after the divorce is finalized, the events leading up to, during, and following the legal separation will have lasting effects on their future relationship.

  • How do the characters share their kids?  What was the legal decision about custody (sole, sole with visitation, joint, etc.)?  Who’s paying alimony (and what kind)?  Where do the kids stay on holidays?  Beyond legal/physical control, which parent has the most influence over the kids, morally and emotionally?  The more imbalance there is in the parental responsibilities, the more frustration will develop between the characters.
  • What were the circumstances of divorce?  Was it amicable, mutual?  Or was it more hostile/one-sided?  Was the divorce drawn-out or hasty?  Do they still have feelings, negative or positive, toward each other?  And ultimately, do either of them regret or question their decision to separate?  This will determine the context for how your characters interact in the future.
  • What are their parenting styles like?  Do they work together well, or are their kids bouncing between two different lifestyles?  This will affect both how the children develop, how they feel about their parents, and how the parents feel about each other.  The “stricter”, poorer, or more emotionally distant of two single parents may come away with feelings of inadequacy – and as children tend to categorize people as “good” or “bad”, “fun” or “no fun”, their kid/s may lash out at one parent and cling to the other.  Consider how these roles affect your character’s self-image.

Once you’ve laid a groundwork for the relationship, a divorced couple functions much like any other type of exes – it’s just that they have to continue interacting in some capacity, if they have kids.  Their relationship doesn’t go downhill and stop; they have to build it back up to something workable.  From the sound of your ask, this is the part of the story you’re writing now.

Beyond the specifics of your characters, there are a few divorce stereotypes that I’d like to debunk:

  • Divorced kids aren’t all traumatized brats.  They can be very well-adjusted, depending on the quality of their parenting and the maintained respect between two parents.  The worse exes treat each other (especially in front of the kids), the worse the children fare emotionally.  Those children of divorce who don’t turn out so great?  That’s often a result of instability, raised childhood anxiety, and a lack of emotional intimacy with one or both parents.
  • Divorced couples can be great friends.  These cases are most likely when the couples are married young, or under extenuating circumstances like pregnancy or social pressure.  Some couples divorce only to find that they function swimmingly as friends and co-parents, but just weren’t able to satisfy each other in marriage.  This kind of story is a breath of fresh air in my opinion.
  • Divorced couples can be in love without wanting to get back together.  A lot of the time, they are.  It’s less about being in love or not and more about every other aspect of marriage – money, parenting, lifestyle, ambitions, personalities, families clashing to make coexisting, decision-making, and planning feel impossible.  It’s about maintaining a healthy relationship, devoid of resentment, infidelity, lack of communication, etc.  None of these problems make you fall out of love.
  • Divorced couples can go long stretches of time without tension in their relationship.  Problems can resurface when one or both exes engage in new romances; attempt to change something in the children’s lives; face loss or rejection in their personal life; or otherwise spend time together when one or both of them is feeling vulnerable.  Attempts to rekindle the relationship can sometimes be successful – but more often than not, they create more pain for everyone involved.  Tread that kind of storyline carefully.

Lastly, I’d like to direct you to some interesting articles from the perspective of divorcees:

Hopefully some of these articles can help you picture what single/joint-parenting and post-divorce relationships entail.  If you’re still left with gaps, especially from an emotional aspect, it can help to talk with a friend or family member who has been through divorce.  I’d need another whole post to touch on the emotional ramifications of divorce and single parenting.

Anyway, this was the best I could come up with as someone who’s neither been married nor had kids.  As always, if any of our followers have something beneficial to add, reblogs or comments are welcome!

Thanks again for your question 🙂  Happy writing, and have a great new year!

– Mod Joanna ♥️

If you need advice on general writing or fanfiction, you should maybe ask us!

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Hey jules! is there any good links talking about specific roles in the production of a movie? I want to be more familiar with them all :)
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