Crowley: Asshole Admits to Being Asshole in Supreme Asshole Move
Aziraphale: Man Who Thought He’d Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit of Hope He Didn’t Even Know He Still Had
Adam: Take-Charge, Can-Do Guy Makes Horrible Decisions
Pepper: Kitten Thinks of Nothing But Murder All Day
Wensleydale: Stressed-Out 8 Year Old Looks 12
Brian: Scientists Baffled By Man’s Ability to Fuck Up Every Time
Hastur and Ligur: Best Friends Secretly Think of Each Other as the Sidekick
Madame Tracy: Lack of Sexual Tension With Coworker Almost Unbearable
Newt: Self-Deprecating Man Just Scratching Surface of How Pathetic He Actually Is
Anathema: Area Loner to Dwell on Past
Shadwell: How About We Go Outside and Settle This Like Emotionally Stunted Men?
Famine: Sight of Coworkers’ Stupid Fucking Faces Endured Yet Again
War: Local Woman Not Yelling At You, She’s Just Saying
Pollution: Entire Precinct Made Up of Loose Cannons
DEATH: Boss Able to Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks
Mr. Young: Dad’s Been On a Real Parenting Kick Lately
Agnes Nutter: Everything a Goddamn Ordeal in Area Family
Sister Mary: If Only I’d Listened to Virtually Anyone